Wistful

Photo by Caleb Flores on Unsplash

I remember brainstorming in my room

Movie trailers and music videos

Swimming in my head

Bringing color to my dull mind

Painting the future so bright

The walls were a light green and blue

As sunlight filtered through the room

It was always blinding and distracting

But I felt so much joy at night

In my cave, where only my thoughts echoed

I had no idea how influenced I was

Or would become

By what the world wanted

I thought my mind was free from conditioning

But it was only ever when I would get outside

Of the walls, of my brain

That I caught a glimpse of the truth of things

That there was more to my life than productivity

Than timelines, than money

That life mattered less than what I thought

But the less made life more worth it

***

I used to see the sky and feel like life would be perfect

But it was only because life was perfect in those moments

Optimism doesn’t seem to be about the future

As much as it’s about noticing joy and contentment still happens

It’s collecting new memories when you thought nothing was worth it

I had these ambitions up until recently, I think they were worthless

I had these dreams that more would make me happy

And I don’t want them anymore

I remember when Nana was alive like it was yesterday

I think I’ve spent all this time trying to get back to how I felt then

Before my worst fears were realized, before I was abandoned

I didn’t listen to myself, I was looking for guidance

I talked myself into all the worst people

The worst routines

There’s so much more life I haven’t lived

Yet I just keep looking over my shoulder

Wishing I could get all that time back

***

If only I could turn off my mind

No present suffering is happening

The stars are shining

The air is getting warmer at night

I’m listening to music

And thinking about life

Most of my enemies have decided

To leave me alone

I’ve turned back time

Reliving my gap year

And this time it’s on my terms

Yet these fears try to swallow me in grief

They tell me I’ll never find love here

And maybe I’ll do something about it

If I feel the fear

I’m having the same realizations over and over again

And I’m hoping someday I can finally put it to an end

Life means nothing and that’s okay

If I never get married because I couldn’t settle

And if I have to return to my hometown

Year and year again

Life’s painful no matter what

So you might as well choose what’s fun

Nothing will save you from the end