Paper Roses

Photo by Farrinni on Unsplash

Lavender Rose

You were under red and lavender lights

You saw me as I needed at the time

I lived out my fantasy as the girl I wanted to be

As someone who could fit with you

As someone you were drawn to

I thought you could be my escape

Even though I didn’t intend to

I knew it was a problem from the jump

I thought you wouldn’t last long

And I knew deep down I would run

If you didn’t do it first

I thought I wouldn’t regret it

But letting go caused me to spiral

I created a fantasy I knew you would burst

And eventually I knew the delusion would get worse

Photo by Dương Trần Quốc on Unsplash

Black Rose

When I met you, I was darkness

When I met him, I was light

When I met my first love, I was young,

Light blue and grey, neutral

He let me exist in my melancholia

I didn’t feel like I had to be anyone else

When I met you, I was trying to force myself into a role

The part fit me, but I brought something new to it

I couldn’t quite break the typecast

You’ll never know just how deep the wounds are

Because I wasn’t cool, I was a watery mess

I tried casual and couldn’t handle it

Because a part of me was preparing to love you

You accepted me, but it wasn’t enough

I was so convinced that you would run

Yet so convinced you would come back

I really thought I could be different to fit you

I really thought I knew myself

And that you brought different pieces of me out

But I’m so different now

And I can’t help but wonder if you’re still the same

And if there was ever a world where we

Would have ever worked out

White Rose

When I met him, I was letting you go

I thought he was a reward

Despite a red flag that rose early

It was just nice to have a conversation

With someone that pretty so easily

Meeting him washed you away temporarily

I knew then I could get over anything

I thought he was light because I felt clean

But all of that was only ever me

Because I was ready to let go

I was ready to try being myself again

He seemed to like what he saw

But it wasn’t enough for him to try

And then I felt like I wasn’t enough

I just thought about you again

Out of habit, to keep myself company

Because if no one else seems to like me

Whether it’s pretend or exaggerated

Or underdeveloped versions of me

Or if it’s just who I want to be

Then maybe I shouldn’t value me either

But changing doesn’t work

He doesn’t work

And we didn’t work

I’ve always had an issue with holding on

I always let go before I’ve prepared to move on

Blue Rose

I keep trying to label myself

I don’t know why

I contain multitudes

And different aspects come out

Through each person

I don’t think that’s wrong

There was maybe a future version

Of myself that would have been

Your counterpart, your soulmate

If I had just been able to figure myself out

If I had just decided then to stick to something

But there’s only one reality

The only reality where you weren’t ready

And I thought I was, but wasn’t

Where we only talked a handful of times

But had real chemistry, hard to come by

We had the same vibe on the same night

Same star sign, same life path

But you knew yourself better

Our crises were connected

Constantly second guessing

Because we’re afraid to feel anything

You were more decisive

Even when your line was open

And I was more confused than before

Even though I was the one to cut the cord

Photo by Cmst May on Unsplash

Red Rose

You said “no expectations” as you kissed my neck

Whispered empty promises I knew I’d regret

Holding onto, but even you took them seriously

I wasn’t as healthy then as I thought I was

I worried about turning you into a life raft

While my world was flooding

I tried building my own ark, but it was leaking

I tried convincing myself I was happy

And that everything was working out

It felt good to hope again

And I kept you in my head

As a way to get through everything

But fantasies unchecked lead to expectations

I knew I would wait forever for him

And I didn’t know how long I was supposed

To wait for you…but I wanted you to wait for me,

Quietly, I didn’t want to put that pressure

On you or on me, because maybe I would change

Like I always do

I imagine a frozen world where we’re dressed in black

And you take my hand again

And you’re everything I’ve ever needed

While I’m everything you’ve ever wanted

While we get everything we ever dreamed of

That wasn’t realistic, that was never going to happen

This world was my refuge, my aspiration

Until I realized I don’t know who I am

And I don’t know you

Time passing, and respecting distances

Moving forward without moving on

Made sure we would never be together again

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash